Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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