What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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