Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
