I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
