maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize