You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
