So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
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you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i now understand why vodka
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize