if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize