I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
