yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just cropdusted the office
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
