watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
