nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the gays at disneyland are vicious
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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