Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
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We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.