your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."