I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
