The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
