I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
