You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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