Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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