Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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