When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
