i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
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The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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