I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
