I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My bed smells like the plague
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
