She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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