I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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