mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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