maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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