Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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