So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
