Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
