so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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