I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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