I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
