how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
