Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
