You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
