Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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