Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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