your parents love me but you hate me
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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