What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
