I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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