My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
