Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
