her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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