I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
