Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
