Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
