You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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