I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
