i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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