i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
