he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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